All Problems Solved — NOT!

I’m a fan of the “Hellraiser” film franchise. Yeah, yeah, they’re not Oscar material, but you know what, I don’t care. I like the shows and the stories they tell, and yes, for the pure gore.

For those not familiar with the Hellraiser movies, there exists a puzzle box that’s essentially a gateway to hell. Solving the puzzle opens the gateway for the Cenobites (the denizens of this hell plane) to come for you. Once they have you, you will be subjected to endless suffering and terror and blah blah blah.

One of the more recent movies had this line that kept sticking with me, and it was about that puzzle box, the Lament Configuration (or the LaMarchand Configuration). It’s from “Hellraiser: Hellseeker” and it’s the 6th movie in the franchise and brings back the lovely Kirsty Cotton, the protagonist of the first 2 movies.

Anyway, in the 6th movie, “Hellraiser: Hellseeker”, the box is introduced in a fashion by a simple business card stating “All Problems Solved”. Of course, this being a horror movie and all, you can just extrapolate what that might entail. The parallel that I’m drawing here is we are part of a culture that values quick results-we’re the microwave generation. We’re always looking for shortcuts, easier ways to get things done; anything we think might help us live our lives easier.

Every day we are bombarded with images of perfect Hollywood celebrities, some of them touting the latest magic cream that removes cellulite and stretch marks, the latest diet fad, the latest fitness craze, or shilling for some weight loss pills. I admit I am tempted when I see ads for weight loss, or some miracle product that promises super weight loss. Before I decided to finally commit to doing it the “hard way”, I browsed the diet aid aisle at Wal-Mart a couple times, trying to decide which product might be best for me. In the end, I left empty-handed each time.

Remember, I’ve been there. I AM there, right now, starting out-again. I’ve tried pills-Dexatrim, Slimquick, Ripped Fuel, and Hydroxycut. I’ve tried diets: South Beach, Atkins, Glycemic index, low fat, high fat, no sugar, low calorie and countless others. With the pills, I would lose a few pounds, stop taking the pills, and gain the shit right back. With the diets, I admit, I’m a total foodie. It’s taken me many years to figure out how I should fuel my body. I did the worst with diets that restricted food groups, like carbs. The most successful campaigns where I lost the most weight, I was pretty much starving myself (more on that later) because I was skipping meals. Of course, as soon as things returned to “normal”, I gained the weight right back.

The truth is, there is NO magic bullet. There isn’t a mystical, magical, rainforest fruit (or puzzle box!) that’s going to solve all your problems. You can’t take pills and expect to lose weight and keep it off for the long term. It takes dedication, commitment, and SWEAT! LOTS of it. When I say I’m doing it the “hard way”, what I’m really saying is I’m doing it the “right way”. One day at a time. No shortcuts. Just lots of hard work and eating right.

Oh, and apropos nothing, you can actually buy those puzzle boxes on eBay. I linked the pic to the page. Cheers.

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