I’m trying to be a good little blogger and post more regular-like because it helps me stay focused on my own goals of improving my fitness and building my business. Today is Whiny Wednesday, not necessarily for bitching, but we all have those times when we just need to unload-we can’t all live in a Disney movie!
As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. I didn’t have a particular question in mind, I just wanted to figure out more about the “why” of me. You know, actions, reactions, processes. That sort of thing. I don’t have anything definitive, but I’ve gotten a better sense of myself. I’m the kind of person that inwardly seeks perfection, yet on the outside, I give off a “I don’t give a shit” vibe. I think that dichotomy has made me continuously miserable, so I’m trying to change that by trying to make the outside match the inside.
Part of changing my outlook was to see myself as I really am, not how I want to be, or how I should be, but me. Just me. I’ve known for a long time that I have really low self-esteem. There. I said it. I don’t know how it started, or why, but here I am, and I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I think about my day, and I don’t like what I did. Not good enough, because inside, I’m striving for this almost unattainable level of perfection that is just not humanly possible.
Back in the day when I lived in Fairytale Land, I used to cut out pictures from Victoria’s Secret catalogs and post them on my mirror so I could “be inspired”. What a crock of shit! All it did was make me depressed because I think I knew I could never look like that. Too skinny. Too tall. Too busty. No matter how much weight I lose, I won’t look like that. I’m short, and I’m stocky. I have hips, for crying out loud!
But you know, back in high school, that kind of thing didn’t bother me. I was comfortable with myself, and I knew I wasn’t Helen of Troy, but I didn’t think I was ugly, either. But, somewhere along the line, I must have decided I wasn’t worth it, and just gave up on myself.
I think a lot of women-and men, too-can relate to that. As a woman, who became a wife, and then a mother, I forgot where I fit in the grand scheme of my life. Work, family, friends, all that took precedence over ME. ME! The most important part of MY life! I forgot to make time for myself, and then when I realized it, thought, “oh, I’ll fix it later.” And then later became tomorrow, became next week, and before I knew it, here I am, on my way to 40 (!), and I still haven’t put myself first.
Guess what? Later’s here, right now. I’m done not liking the person in the mirror. I’m done feeling sorry for myself and making excuses about not exercising or eating crap. I’m determined to put myself first for once and see how the chips fall. I have a plan, I have support, I have everything I need to change my life and my mindset. I’ve discovered “perfect” is just perception, and I’m done trying to be perfect for other people. I’m going to be perfect for me.