I will just warn you now, I’m going to be cursing and carrying on a bit in this one. So, if I’m going to offend your sensibilities by doing so, skip this post.
Earlier, I mentioned not trying not to get into the mindset that I am “starting over”, but trying to convince myself that I’m just “picking up where I left off”. Which is such bullshit. I am starting over, and my starting point is so much farther back than before. Picking up where I left off would imply that I never gained back this 30 lbs. Starting over means I have to start at the beginning. This wasn’t a race where I had to stop to pee halfway to the finish. This was a marathon that I feel like I turned around and went back not just to the starting line, but maybe I went all the way back to my childhood home and now I decided to walk back and finish the race. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that this *is* exactly how it feels.
I got on the scale today and took my measurements and they are disappointing and sad, but overall have not changed much all summer. I updated my menu planner-it’s just a simple spread sheet I print out and fill in. I took pics a few months ago, but I guess I should take some updated ones so I can mark my “true start”. Is it obsessive? Absolutely, but it’s what I know I need to do to keep myself straight. A month ago-yes, I’m a slow starter-I made out a list of sorts that I titled : “Things I need”. It is more than a wish list. It is a map of sorts. I started with obviously, what I need, which is mostly time. I had to ask myself what is holding me back and what I wanted what I really want and how I plan on getting there. I really tried to get into my head and be totally honest when I was writing about the things that are holding me back.
And the biggest thing at this point is my past, which is never more glaringly obvious than the fact that my birthday is coming up very soon and I have yet to meet one fitness goal I made for myself 8 freakin years ago. 8. Fucking. Years. What. The. Fuck. So, yeah, it’s hard not to beat myself up over my failures, or the fact that my goals are even farther away than they were back then. It’s hard to let go of the past when I make goals and I just see myself walking backwards from them without really understanding why I sabotage myself that way.
I figured out that one reason is I am afraid of being successful, of winning, of achieving something great just for myself. See, I’m not a competitive person in the way that some people are, where they have to be the best, or #1, or first. I just honestly don’t care about that kind of shit. What I care about is being the best that *I* can be. Me. Only me. But I look back and see that most of the time I’m just being a mediocre me, or below average me. Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe, but as they say, we are our own worst critics. That’s the other reason. I have a terrible, awful, horrible inner bitch and she likes to tear me down
So part of my “moving forward” and “starting over” is just that: moving on. A friend of mine recently decided to leave Facebook because she had had enough drama and was in a too fragile emotional state. A lot of the comments I read after her post were her “friends” telling her not to give up and to stick it out, that signing off meant that she was letting him win. I sent her a message that despite what some of the commenters said, she wasn’t giving up or giving in, she was moving on. I realized later that I needed to follow my own advice and lay the demons to rest so I could carry on. Maybe this time I can move forward.
Till next time.