I’ve been away for too long again, but mostly that was by design. I felt that I didn’t have anything productive to add, and I also felt that I all I wanted to do was bitch about how I keep gaining weight and how unhappy I am. I didn’t want my writing to turn into the sort of “woe is me” type bullshit, when my unhappiness with my physical appearance is due almost entirely on the way I approach food.
Recently, I have been bitten once again by the fervor and obsession with losing this weight. I have been scouring the internet, running numbers, scenarios, and planning my “next move”. This all began at the end of August, when I feel like I officially hit rock bottom. I had gained more weight (ugh!) and was on a trip to Vegas with my husband, my BFF and her boyfriend.
We were in the hotel room, watching a little TV while we got ready to go somewhere. I was sitting on the corner of the bed, and across from me on the wall was a large mirror. I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was me. And I looked horrible. I had never seen myself from that angle. I can go on about how grotesque I looked, how I knew I was fat, but God DAMN!!! Holy Shitballs. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This was the pinnacle, the top, the rotten core of me, on display. I did the only thing I could think of. I took a selfie.
I will not post it now. It is too much and too real, and I don’t need it spreading around on the internet as a meme. As hard assed as I am, that would destroy me. But I admit to taking other pictures of myself that showed me in the worst possible light. I can’t explain why I do it. Years ago, I would have said I did it to further beat myself down. Now, I feel like I do it because it’s like an expose. I can’t deal with it if I’m not honest about it. I can’t deal with myself if I’m not honest about what I see. I made a hard goal for myself then, and that was to lose 40 lbs by the end of the year, and I had 4 months to accomplish that goal.
So, I made that awful selfie my home screen on my new phone, and I chose a picture of Amanda Latona for my lock screen and a picture of Misty Copeland as my S-Health background pic. Every time I unlock the phone, I see this glaring reminder of my reality, and every time, I am struck not with despair, but with motivation. Motivation to change myself. Motivation to keep going. This month, I focused on trying to change my habits and eating less, especially at work. I started using the tools I had invested in, starting with logging my food regularly, and exercising regularly. I managed to lose 6 pounds-the only weight I’ve managed to lose since starting work here!
The hubs and I have been fans of the Biggest Loser show for some years. I know that the show isn’t realistic as far as losing weight, but the struggle of these people is real, and so many of their stories really touch me. I can relate to many of their struggles. During a commercial break, they had the coaches selling their pitch for the Biggest Loser Boot camp. Now, I am a cynic and a skeptic, but like anyone who struggles with their weight, I can’t help but pay attention. So, I looked it up, and the hubs asked if I would be able to commit to something like that. Of course, I wanted to sign up right away, but the hubs was right. I was going to pay big bucks for this, was I going to be able to stick with this for the whole 8 weeks? The eating, and the exercise, and the checking in?
After all, my track record for this sort of thing is pretty abysmal. Right now, I need that more accountability and that more structure this boot camp will offer me. I feel like the start date was the perfect time to begin, because it’s the start of my week off and I will be working a regular schedule for the month of October. The program ends right before Thanksgiving. Previously, I spoke of the planets aligning, and everything falling into place, and I feel like this is exactly what has happened.
It seems pretty solid. So far, I have completed all the “Prep week” tasks. Today was the first day, and so far, so good. I haven’t done the prescribed exercise yet, but I did walk my kid to school this morning, and I had already planned to do this in the afternoon. I’m excited, and I’m nervous. I want to succeed and I feel like I am finally going to make it. I am determined not to make this phase feel like deja poo!